inbox for futurology

[cachemoney]

username: FIONA

gif credit to bigblueboo

Comments

[cachemoney]

What is so really really REALLY complicated about "don't be an asshole and don't forget who Fiona is"???

And Vaughn, you also forgot Vaughn.

[dbag]

Okay, firstly, that could've been like five, even ten years from now! Future you probably forgot me too. I don't really have an excuse for the Vaughn thing, but. There's that.

Secondly, there is a lot more to it than not being an asshole. I mean TECHNICALLY if you want to get really simplistic about it then... yeah. But no.

[cachemoney]

Obviously I'm forgetting you the second our business is concluded, but please, I make a more lasting impression than that.

Secondly: what are you even talking about.

[dbag]

Wow. Thanks. Like I said, really really REALLY complicated. But I guess you won't have to deal with it anyway because you'll have forgotten all about me! So. There's not even any reason to explain it. So don't worry about it. [ PASSIVE-AGGRESSION ACTIVATED TBH >:( ]

[cachemoney]

[WOW, HE STARTED IT.] Did I say later? I mean now. Who are you again?

[dbag]

Okay, now I'm really not explaining it to you! And it's GOOD, too. MIND-BLOWING.

[cachemoney]

Good, because I don't care and it's probably REALLY STUPID anyway.

[dbag]

Oh, you wish. You have no idea. It's life-altering stuff. The plot twist to end all plot twists. You're gonna be 100 years old and sitting in your rocking chair thinking MAN I should have been nicer to that super cool guy Rhys. Because you won't have forgotten me. Because I'm very unforgettable. And super cool.

[cachemoney]

There is a negative kajillion chance of that happening. And I am PLENTY nice to you.

[dbag]

Seriously? You're think-yelling at me! The innocent victim, may I add.

[cachemoney]

Is this where I'm supposed to beg you to explain how you, dear sweet Rhys, could possibly be a victim in all this?

[dbag]

Nnnnnnnnno. But it can be. Or you can just believe me. Either way.

I'm sorry for being a dick, that's not gonna happen, blah blah blah, I'm TRYING to apologize to you. So here's the part where you say "Okay Rhys! I believe you, and also you're super cool, really hot, and you pull off hats way better than me. I'm not mad at you anymore, let's be BFFs."

[cachemoney]

You do not pull off hats better.




Look, you did this before, I'm just concerned you're going to snap and start murdering people. Like, in the immediate future.

[dbag]

Oh my god, I'm not going to murder anyone. Probably. I... realize that sounds unsure but just trust me on this, I'm not going to willingly murder anybody, I know you think I'm an asshole but I'm not an actual psychopath.

But. If I start acting weird again -- WHICH I WON'T probably -- then maybe you should stay at a safe distance. Just to make sure.

[cachemoney]

Okay, first of all, you ARE an asshole. Secondly. I know you don't trust me, whatever, but if you're having some kind of problem, at least tell Vaughn what's going on with you.

You also always act weird etc.

[dbag]

It's not that I don't TRUST you, I just know how it's going to play out. You would definitely get pissed. I mean, more pissed. And then you'd hate me forever, probably. You haven't exactly been sympathetic to my plight up to now.

[ his PLIGHT, fiona!!!!!!! ]

[cachemoney]

Oh, you KNOW how it's going to play out? Are you psychic now, too? Try me, Hyperion, I'm going to blow your mind with how goddamn sympathetic I can be.

[dbag]

Oh, you're gonna blow my mind?? Okay, fine, let's do it, meet me right now and you can show me how SOOOO sympathetic you are.

[cachemoney]

Fine! GLADLY. Where the hell are you, let's do this.

[dbag]

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M EATING MY FEELINGS IN THE DINING HALL.

=> action!!!!!!!!!!!

[cachemoney]

DON'T CHOKE BEFORE I GET THERE.

[BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CHOKE HIM FIRST, that's the joke. Anyway, it takes her a minute to show up, during which her anger does not dissipate, and she unceremoniously storms up.] Well? [Hi Rhys, nice to see you're not a crazy asshole, how's it going.]

[dbag]

Oh, hello, I'm good, thanks for asking. And you? Sit down, please! Take a load off! [ These ANGRY PLEASANTRIES. He pushes his plate away, scowling. ] I guess I should save some room for the crow I'll obviously be eating. [ Nope!!! He grabs his plate back and stuffs a huge forkful into his mouth, just to be dramatic. Muffled: ] Just kidding.

[cachemoney]

[God, was that necessary. Talking with his mouth full, what is he, Pandoran. She does take a seat, but it is ANGRILY, jamming her arms crossed.] Cute. Get on with it.

[dbag]

I know, [ he says through a mouthful of food, because he is adorable, thanks for noticing!!! Afterwards, he takes his time chewing, half-stalling and half just... regretting this choice, doing this just to be dramatic was a mistake. Finally: ] Um. [ He's regretting a lot of choices now, actually, telling someone something to prove they'll be an asshole about it isn't a great reason for spilling secrets. ] As... you know. I work at Hyperion. Annnnd my boss used to be Handsome Jack. Remember that guy? Totally off-topic, not at all related: what, um, what are your feelings towards him, exactly? Just curious.

[cachemoney]

[This dramatic chewing. She rolls her eyes and considers just leaving, but she's come this far. Despite all her big talk about not caring, she really is curious about what the fuck his problem is.

That question gets a stare, though.] Is that a real -- I'm Pandoran, what do you think? [She sits up, leaning forward. To be more specific,] He was a psychopath and a warmonger and the entire universe is better off with him dead, what else is there to say?