inbox for futurology

[cachemoney]

username: FIONA

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Comments

[cachemoney]

There is a negative kajillion chance of that happening. And I am PLENTY nice to you.

[dbag]

Seriously? You're think-yelling at me! The innocent victim, may I add.

[cachemoney]

Is this where I'm supposed to beg you to explain how you, dear sweet Rhys, could possibly be a victim in all this?

[dbag]

Nnnnnnnnno. But it can be. Or you can just believe me. Either way.

I'm sorry for being a dick, that's not gonna happen, blah blah blah, I'm TRYING to apologize to you. So here's the part where you say "Okay Rhys! I believe you, and also you're super cool, really hot, and you pull off hats way better than me. I'm not mad at you anymore, let's be BFFs."

[cachemoney]

You do not pull off hats better.




Look, you did this before, I'm just concerned you're going to snap and start murdering people. Like, in the immediate future.

[dbag]

Oh my god, I'm not going to murder anyone. Probably. I... realize that sounds unsure but just trust me on this, I'm not going to willingly murder anybody, I know you think I'm an asshole but I'm not an actual psychopath.

But. If I start acting weird again -- WHICH I WON'T probably -- then maybe you should stay at a safe distance. Just to make sure.

[cachemoney]

Okay, first of all, you ARE an asshole. Secondly. I know you don't trust me, whatever, but if you're having some kind of problem, at least tell Vaughn what's going on with you.

You also always act weird etc.

[dbag]

It's not that I don't TRUST you, I just know how it's going to play out. You would definitely get pissed. I mean, more pissed. And then you'd hate me forever, probably. You haven't exactly been sympathetic to my plight up to now.

[ his PLIGHT, fiona!!!!!!! ]

[cachemoney]

Oh, you KNOW how it's going to play out? Are you psychic now, too? Try me, Hyperion, I'm going to blow your mind with how goddamn sympathetic I can be.

[dbag]

Oh, you're gonna blow my mind?? Okay, fine, let's do it, meet me right now and you can show me how SOOOO sympathetic you are.

[cachemoney]

Fine! GLADLY. Where the hell are you, let's do this.

[dbag]

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M EATING MY FEELINGS IN THE DINING HALL.

=> action!!!!!!!!!!!

[cachemoney]

DON'T CHOKE BEFORE I GET THERE.

[BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CHOKE HIM FIRST, that's the joke. Anyway, it takes her a minute to show up, during which her anger does not dissipate, and she unceremoniously storms up.] Well? [Hi Rhys, nice to see you're not a crazy asshole, how's it going.]

[dbag]

Oh, hello, I'm good, thanks for asking. And you? Sit down, please! Take a load off! [ These ANGRY PLEASANTRIES. He pushes his plate away, scowling. ] I guess I should save some room for the crow I'll obviously be eating. [ Nope!!! He grabs his plate back and stuffs a huge forkful into his mouth, just to be dramatic. Muffled: ] Just kidding.

[cachemoney]

[God, was that necessary. Talking with his mouth full, what is he, Pandoran. She does take a seat, but it is ANGRILY, jamming her arms crossed.] Cute. Get on with it.

[dbag]

I know, [ he says through a mouthful of food, because he is adorable, thanks for noticing!!! Afterwards, he takes his time chewing, half-stalling and half just... regretting this choice, doing this just to be dramatic was a mistake. Finally: ] Um. [ He's regretting a lot of choices now, actually, telling someone something to prove they'll be an asshole about it isn't a great reason for spilling secrets. ] As... you know. I work at Hyperion. Annnnd my boss used to be Handsome Jack. Remember that guy? Totally off-topic, not at all related: what, um, what are your feelings towards him, exactly? Just curious.

[cachemoney]

[This dramatic chewing. She rolls her eyes and considers just leaving, but she's come this far. Despite all her big talk about not caring, she really is curious about what the fuck his problem is.

That question gets a stare, though.] Is that a real -- I'm Pandoran, what do you think? [She sits up, leaning forward. To be more specific,] He was a psychopath and a warmonger and the entire universe is better off with him dead, what else is there to say?

[dbag]

Wow. That is a— strong and... totally expected opinion. [ He swallows thickly, averting his eyes. ] What if. I told you he wasn't as dead as previously thought. Annnnd you talked to him! That's exciting, right, you're super special.

[cachemoney]

[Wow, he's just getting all these stares today, start a collection.] Rhys. I know you think you're making sense, but. I'm out here. [She taps her head; she is not privy to whatever brain injured thoughts he has.] When?

[dbag]

I am making sense, just. Come on. [ This doesn't even mean anything, he just feels the need to defend himself. He looks around, basically at anything that isn't her, and huffs a few times like she's greatly inconveniencing him. ] Remember that time you said I was a dick and didn't even remember you? [ Like five minutes ago??? ] You probably don't, we don't even need to talk about it.

[cachemoney]

[Rhys??? This still doesn't make sense??] What does that have to do with Handsome Jack? Or me speaking to a not-fully-dead Handsome Jack. [If that's what he's trying to say? It's all very confusing.

Although, wait. Is that what he's trying to say?] Oh, my god, Hyperion. Are you trying to get me to believe you become possessed in the future, what the fuck, just admit you have aspirations to be King Asshole! [THIS IS INSULTING.] My opinion does not mean that much to you.

[dbag]

Oh, my god! [ Rhys throws his hands up, huffing. This is peak Fiona, immediately getting offended and, quite frankly, assuming the worst of him. This is unfair and she's unfair and his whole life is unfair. ] What did I say! What did I say. I said you'd be a jerk about it, and you are. [ He leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. ] I'm not lying, if I was going to lie, I'd have come up with something way better than that. Like, that in the future I'm a super spy and I had to keep my cover by pretending to be a dick.

[cachemoney]

I'm a jerk -- ? [HE IS TALKING ABOUT GHOSTS. Future ghosts! Like she's that gullible just because she's from the armpit of the universe.

She throws her hands up too, not at all because she's starting to pick up his mannerisms from hanging around him too long.] What, is this some kind of Hyperion thing you people do? Put your name in a lottery to get body-snatched by your dead bosses?

[dbag]

What, no, that's stupid. [ Clearly more stupid than the Actual Real Story!!! Which is not stupid at all!!! ] Just— let me explain, please, before jumping to conclusions. Remember when I had that ID drive, and I was all look and learn, and then I jabbed it in my head and passed out? Remember that time? Well, it turns out that there was a program on there, annnd I downloaded it into my head, annnd it. Was. Jack. Not actual Jack, um, that one's actually dead, but. An AI.

[ He clears his throat awkwardly. This is fine, this is not at all uncomfortable. Weakly: ] ...Surprise.

[cachemoney]

...oh my god. [This could be an oh my god about anything, really. The whole "dead boss AI thing," for one. That is probably worthy of an oh my god. But.]

You liar. You absolute dick, this whole time you had a Handsome Jack AI floating around, and -- [Oh, she was supposed to not be an asshole about this, uhh. She stares at him for a second, willing herself to calm the fuck down. She is somewhat successful. Gritting her teeth,] So he just kind of takes over your body sometimes. Great. I guess I'm lucky you didn't kill me yet.